quarter life crisis

http://lifethrumykaleidoscope.blogspot.com

read on. :p

Main Entry: fas·ci·na·tion
Pronunciation: "fa-s&-’nA-sh&n
Function: noun
the state of feeling an intense interest in something

lately, i’ve been using this word quite often to describe a fixation on something. i can be fascinated with a certain pair of shoes, a good melody or great lyrics or someone’s beautiful eyes.

i guess this has been my way of deviating from investing too much emotion on certain things (or even people) that i quite notice, if not admire. because, although it involves a certain state of happiness or natural high, i feel it won’t go as critical as an obsession would. fascination can bring you moments of pure bliss while obsession can bring you more damage than the actual pleasure you can get from liking something too much. i think fascination is a thought that you can choose or refuse to occupy yourself with at certain times of the day, while an obsession is a state of mind, which one can hardly escape even for just one second.

it would be easier to take it from the context of liking someone. having a crush or being in love with a another person (without the mutual feeling involved) entails high expectations. you like or even want the person and you expect him to feel the same. while you enjoy momentary bliss at the thought of this someone, you’re unconsciously struggling with your aspiration to be with that person — that you’d actually end up together in the end. that would be a grueling experience especially if things don’t turn out the way you want them to. being fascinated with someone is a whole new concept to me. you admire the person — his  frowning eyes and perhaps the way he teases you, the way he childishly reacts or the way you can simply hang out and talk about anything under the sun. you focus on certain aspects about him. you may be interested in knowing more without the hidden agenda to make him fall for you or the and end in a fantasy of walking down the aisle with him sooner or later. fascination lessens the risk of expecting too much and getting too emotionally involved.

nevertheless, while i am enjoying this at the moment, i think it has trade-offs as well. at one point, if you are caught off-guard, you’d probably end up on the losing end — that is, fretting over your fascination turning it into an obsession.

or, if you keep your eyes glued to this temporary fondness for a while, it makes you subconsciously put your standards a notch higher. and the supposedly 3-minute roller coaster ride of searching for that lasting satisfation seems to take a lifetime.

alam ko.

hindi ko lang alam kung bakit hindi mo alam

o kung dapat pa bang malaman

kung wala namang may pakialam

o kung wala namang patutunguhan

gusto mo bang malaman?

dapat ko bang ipaalam?

ayaw ko na, huwag na lang.

wala rin namang katuturan.

ewan.

p.s. wala lang. hehe.

shifiting sand by caedmon’s call

Sometimes I believe all the lies
So I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed
By whatever is on my mind

I hear it all depends on my faith
So I’m feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries
Is they’re so mysterious

And like a consumer I’ve been thinking
If I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,
Then I’d be secure

(Chorus)
My faith is like shifting sand
Changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand
So I stand on grace

I’ve begged you for some proof
For my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leperous hand
And lions resting lazily

A glimpse of your back-side glory
And this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I’ve seen so much
I explained it away

Chorus

Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your grace
It’d been there all the time

it took me quite a while to realize that some things are just not meant to be. and sometimes, we really do have to go through these things the hard way in order to learn the most important lesson.

now, i’m free. .. in the truest sense of the word. no more inhibitions, no more doubts, no more "what-might-have-beens" and regrets. i was actuallly a bit afraid that i might not be really prepared for this day. nevertheless, i got through with it without shedding a tear, or feeling my heart break into pieces again. i came home smiling, a reaction which was very much different from what i had during our last encounter. with that, i guess i deserve that tap on the back for a job well done. i can really say now that i’m just so ready to move on.

a friend asked me to listen to this song and upon hearing it, i immediately fell in love with it. quite mushy, i know. i was very impressed though that nyoy volante used "ha?" as title. we use the word so often, have gotten so familiar with it but we barely notice this two-letter word’s many meanings. ang galing e. and it’s very apt for a love song. may kasamang lambing, may kasamang pakiusap. also love the way that this song isn’t very poetic, nonetheless, very conversational. tagos kung tagos.

so bare with my hangover. been listening to this song for a hundred times since yesterday. take a look at the lyrics and you might enjoy it as well. :p

alam mo bang nung una kang makita
pinangarap kaagad
buhay ko’y masaya kapiling ka
lagi nang tulala sa kaiisip
balang araw maaangkin kita
alam mo bang ika’y aking aaalagaan
sobrang mamahalin
di pagsasawaang ituring kang
parang prinsesa
kung papayagan sana, pwede ba?

::Chorus::

akin ka na lang ha?
sige na naman ha, please
kailangan ko’y ikaw lagi
araw-araw, gabi-gabi
akin ka na lang, ha?
sige na naman, ha?
please naman
huwag mo ng pag-isipan
sige na, sige na
akin ka na lang, ha?

alam mo bang
alam ko na kung pano magmahal
ng tunay at tapat
ibibigay lahat
lumigaya ka lng
lahat ng hilingin aking ibibigay
makuha lng tamis ng iyong pagtingin

akin ka na lang ha?
sige na naman ha, please
kailangan ko’y ikaw lagi
araw-araw, gabi-gabi
akin ka na lang, ha?
sige na naman, ha?
please naman
huwag mo ng pag-isipan
sige na, sige na
akin ka na lang, ha?

halos minu-minuto
sa panalangin ko’y ikaw
ang aking mayayakap
kapag giniginaw
sige na, sige na
akin ka na lang

akin ka na lang ha
sige na naman ha, please
pakiusap lng naman kailangan ko’y
ikaw lagi araw araw, gabi gabi
akin ka na lang ha?
sige na naman ha, please
kailangan ko’y ikaw lagi
araw-araw, gabi-gabi

akin ka na lang, ha?
sige na naman, ha?
please naman
huwag mo ng pag-isipan
sige na, sige na
sige na, sige na
akin ka na lang, ha?

sige na, sige na akin ka n lng, ha?

i choose to stop loving you because i choose to be happy. and i am. i’m feeling fine, doing great. and i guess i’ll let it stay that way for quite some time.

in the spirit of Holy Week, nagbabalik serbisyo ako sa simbahan namin. tagal ko rin nawala, kaya halos lahat ng tao walang balita tungkol sakin. at ganito ang tinakbo ng mga usapan:

sabi ng mga kaibigan ko sa choir, "uy, tagal natin di nagkita.kumusta na?  how’s your love life?" sagot ko naman, "wala na. i’m single." tapos lahat sila, "whaaaat???? what happened? nasan na siya??? (apparently, kilala kasi nila)" sabi ko, "tagal na. nung December pa. nasa outer space na siya. well, it just happened and don’t worry, i’m fine. over na noh! (shempre with semi-kwento pang kasama)"

tapos sabi ni Ate Bunny, isa pang taga-simbahan with matching beso-beso, "uy, buti nandito ka ulit. may asawa ka na ba?" sabi ko naman, "ate naman, ilang taon lang ba ako???" sabay alis ni ate. di ko nga alam kung kilala pa ba niya talaga ako o namukhaan niya lang ako as someone from the past.

sabay lapit naman ni Ate Badette, barkada ng ate ko sa simbahan din, sabi niya: "uy ang galing mo mag-salmo. may asawa ka na ba? (parang may connection)" sabi ko naman, "ate, 23 lang ako no.wala nga akong boyfriend, asawa pa!" tapos sabi niya, "ako nga 21 nag-asawa. pero tignan mo naman ang produkto (sabay turo sa dalagitang anak niya)."

pag-uwi sa bahay, bumisita naman mga dati naming kapitbahay na US based na. sabay kumusta, "o nasaan na yung boyfriend mo?" sabi ko, "wala na noh, tagal na.single blessedness ang statement ko ngayong holy week." sabi niya, "ha??? e di ba nasa friendster mo pa yung pics niyo?" sabi ng nanay ko, "oo, 4 years din sila." sabi ko, "sos, matagal ko nang binura.ibang pics na yung nakalagay dun ngayon." sabi niya, "ay ganun, tagal ko na kasi di nag-check. so next time pag may ibang pic na ibig sabihin meron ka na ulit?" sabay ngisi.

and they say its "GOOD" Friday. hahahahahaha. nakakatawa, parang either mukha akong happily married o desperate for a boyfriend. sobrang extremes, wala man lang middle ground. casual-casualan ang mga usapan!

anubaaaaaaa. i’m SINGLE. and SANE. and enjoying every minute of it. so don’t worry, you guys, may panahon din para diyan, hintay lang kayo sa susunod na kilig kwento ko. ;p

i clearly can’t think of a better title for my first post. sounds like a theme of a high school fair, or a government office’s annual slogan. just the same, it fits whatever it is that i am about to write, so just let it be.

last year, i thought it would take me forever to finish college. but when i finally did and got into my first job, i wished those days never ended. everything then seemed so promising but when you finally get there, you realize that everything’s still a blur, that you can actually spend all those years up to your 30s before you can finally decipher what you really want to do. and that’s waaaaaaayyy too long…

at this point, i’m uncertain about so many things. but being the striving-optimistic-person that i am, i think it’s way better to aim at some simple things that i can actually achieve this year, instead of overwhelming myself with ambitious plans of getting rich. i’ve put some thought to it and came up with 12 goals — ideally, i hope to achieve one goal every month of 2007:

1. Take driving lessons. –> just finished my lessons.

2. Learn a sport. –> BADMINTON!!!

3. Take a well-deserved vacation at one of the beautiful destinations in the Philippines (travels for official business is not counted). –> probably by July

4. Master Adobe Photoshop.

5. Buy a digital camera and learn photography.

6. Join a music group/choir.

7. Go on a retreat. –> scheduled on May 3-5 :p

8. Join a volunteer group. (like Jesuit Volunteers or Gawad Kalinga)

9. Read at least 12 books in the year. –> read 2 already.

10. Get my albums and scrapbooks done by the end of the year.

11. Open a savings account.

12. Buy my first own keyboard/digital piano. –> Yupangco/Yamaha has its ongoing Summer Sale (April 16-20) if ever you’re interested.

p.s. bitin. di ko na matapos. but still, i just wanted to share. hehe.